In The Ditch

For the first time in my life, I have not only been able to, but have the desire to spend 1 1/2 to 2 hours a day in devotion to the Lord and seeking His voice. It's July and I'm in Colorado spending a week with my wife of 25 years, finally getting a honeymoon we never had. We are with another couple and everyone likes to sleep in but me. Getting up at 7 and seeing no one else until at least 9, sitting in the sun room overlooking mountains covered with snow so close I could probably walk to make a snowball (if I could breath in that altitude!) - gave me the perfect opportunity to really spend some one-on-one time with the Father; something I hadn't really expected. I spent the week reading and praying during that time and, while it was very calming and peaceful, I realized that I had become so detatched from not only my relationship with Him, but everyone around me as well.

Towards the end of the week, I felt a yearning to really speak with my Pastor.

To really have him speak to me, actually.

I couldn't pinpoint what was causing the seperation but I wanted to find out. It opened up a discovery that I was actually very "alone" in the world. If you have ever found yourself in this place, it won't surprise you when I tell you that my mind began flooding with thoughts of "Pastor doesn't have time for you", to "You're just not important enough". If I wasn't feeling alone to begin with, I certainly was when my mind began running away. With every UNCONTROLLED thought that came, I felt less and less significant. (A common trend in my life over the last couple of years.) Nevertheless, I kept praying for the Lord to make a time when my Pastor and I could be alone and he would just start speaking into my life, telling me what I needed to hear to place my life back on the right road.

We returned home and back into our normal routine. Weeks went by and nothing happened. Again, those thoughts came to me that I wasn't important enough for him to bother with. After all, he had other men in Leadership that he was molding and praying for. Then it happened. On August 28, 2008, my Pastor said that he had some things on his heart that he wanted to talk to me about. I was prepared for him to speak into my life...or was I?

He started by telling me that he was having alerts going off in his spirit regarding some dangerous times in my life. That there were things in my life that I needed to address once and for all or risk stepping out from God's protection. With each word he spoke, my spirit-man yelled in my head "YES!". I knew he was right. I knew there was unrepentant sin in my life that needed to be dealt with. I knew that I was in a ditch and needed to get out of it before I became buried. And I was amazed that God cared enough to speak to me through my Pastor. I sat, I listened, I agreed, and I took it all like a man. The man God was creating me to become. I sat there while Pastor spoke into my life non-stop for two hours straight before giving me the opportunity to speak. I listened as he told me that he loved me too much to allow me to just lay in the ditch. He loved me enough to risk me getting offended and walking out. He had enough faith in me to stay and make the corrections needed in my life.

And I sat there taking it all in because I loved him enough to allow him to speak to me.

The hunger for God was so strong that I couldn't do anything but soak the experience up. The bottom line was that I was not being obedient in a major area of my life and it was affecting EVERY OTHER area of my life. I had never been a faithful tither, and because of that I was not expressing my faith in God. Jesus was my Savior but he was not my Lord. I told my Pastor that I knew this was going on in my life and that I was willfully disobedient and defiant because I didn't feel that I had to tithe in order to show my love for my God and Savior. However, in the recent months I had become increasingly aware that the outward expressions and actions are visible signs of the inward love. The genesis of these expressions were there, but the obedience was not.

Tracye and I left 3 1/2 hours after the start of the meeting just in awe of what God wanted in our lives and the desire to allow Jesus to help pull me out of the ditch.

I'm reminded of someone else that was in a "ditch" of sorts. Peter walked to Jesus on the water and found himself sinking when he was confronted by the winds and rains pelting him from the storm. When he found himself sinking (my analogy of the ditch) he cried out AND ACCEPTED help from Jesus and they walked back to the boat (my analogy of getting back on the road) TOGETHER. I left that night realizing that I don't have to, and even can't, crawl out of the ditch on my own. Jesus is there to reach out and take hold of so that together we can get me out of the ditch and back on the road.

So that's where I am.

My plan for getting back on the road is this:

1) Determine what I need in my personal devotion time in order to get to the place of obedience.
2) Set a plan and goal to be at various stages of growth so that I can see where I am.
3) Hook up with an accountability brother. One of the most important things I can do because if I don't, I'll eventually stop the first two tasks.